The Beginning after the End
by MassFan82
Summary: Updated for rewrite.  This is a new take on the end of Mass Effect. Shepard resists the indoctrination, claims victory but the price of a warrior is the struggle find purpose when there is nothing left to fight.
1. 001 The Citadel

Author's Note. This is a slight alternate universe fic, since I'm not following things exactly. Why? Because rainbows and sunshine that's why.

Though its going to take a while to get there. I really want to play with the idea of Shepard as a broken hero having given everything, and then borrowed more, to win her victory and having to pay that debt back in painful healing.

I don't claim to know what I'm doing when it comes to writing and I'm in need of an editor so bear with me. Or don't. Go ahead and flame, after all I'm not expecting much attention for this.

Anyways as it stands, here is the first chapter, more incoming as I find time and energy to work on them.

The Beginning in the End. Chapter 1, The Citadel.

The Illusive man stared at Kate with glowing blue eyes. His face was slowly deteriorating into a mass of reaper implants seeming to grow more corrupted by the second. He wore a pathetic expression of sadness and grim realization. Despite the glowing reaper implants there was a final bit of humanity in his eyes. The Commander's words had broken through to the man he used to be, and he knew what he had to do with his one remaining moment of clarity

"I tried Shepard…" He said a resigned voice.

He drew the gun to his temple pressing aside the finely combed strands of grey hair with a trembling hand. In single rivulet of sweat rolled down his torn face, to disappear among the ghastly tech that perverted his body. A Carnifax wasn't a subtle weapon, and the Illusive Man's head exploded in a mass of pink gore and blinking implants and splattering wide across the floor. He fell with a wet thump on the white metal floor, a pool of black blood slowly growing from the wound. The small lights in in his now dead eyes blinked out. It was over.

The commander exhaled and felt herself barely able to stand, every fiber of her being was weary. Her once iconic armor was a pitiful mess. The ceramic plates were shattered and blasted away, its surface partly boiled. The housings were cracked, seals were obliterated, and nanofiber mesh between panels was burned away to reveal charred skin. She wrenched off her ruined helmet, tossing it to the floor with a loud clatter. She regretted the motion instantly, bare nerves lit up in pain along her left cheek as raw, red, rancorous flesh met air and drew a nauseating wave of pain. Her chin length red hair fell in a tangled mess. matted with sweat and blood small strands sticking in clumps to her blackened cheek.

She had barely the strength to lift her feet and stagger towards the glowing controls. They calmly beckoned, small lights gently dancing her field of view. Grimly she stepped over the corpse before her. Yet another she couldn't save. Her eyes snapped from the mess to back to her goal. It flickered in green and amber as the color drained out of her view. This time death was coming so very slowly. She knew exactly what the feeling of was. Not long ago she had felt the very life slowly seep from her failing body, the darkness closing in as brain centers slowly shut done one by one into the eternal embrace. Just lie down for a moment. It would be ok, nobody would judge. She came so very far. They could understand if it was so very hard. Kate grit her teeth and fought it. It was so much harder to fight when it felt so very gentle there was no panic this time, no feeling of the very air being drawn from her lungs, or the sensation of the saliva boiling off her tongue.

She staggered the monumental final steps to the console. Alien characters shifted to recognition as the Cipher pulled from a recess of her brain. It was a matter of pressing a few buttons and a great rumble trembled though the colossal station. With an agonizing slowness, the arms retreated opening up to a full view of the battle raging outside. The allied fleets were holding steady, but for how long? It was the eerily quiet of a vacuum, only the oppressive rumbling of the colossal station's machinery in motion greeted her ears.

"Commander?" came a familiar, and strained voice. It was Anderson he was still alive. She looked over her shoulder slightly astonished. The older man sat there, his face drawn but alive. He looked so very tired.

She hobbled over while small points of light lit like fireworks behind her. Every one an impact with the force of a nuclear bomb. There were so many the space around earth seemed to sparkle. As the arms opened, the massive construct of the crucible slowly, silently descended. She collapsed next to the Admiral, her dear friend. Hell he could be her father as far as Kate cared. Unbelievable relief spread though her body. She didn't ever want to get up. Her arms fell to her sides too weak to move. There was no fear, only acceptance of the inevitable.

"We did it…" She replied. Her vision had no color in it now. Her head swam, it was hard to even think.

"We did" Anderson paused and gave a small cough. He looked out to the desperate battle outside "Its quite a view…"

Shepard looked up and smiled, the irony didn't escape her "Best seats in the house." Her mind flashed to Liara. The Asari had followed Shepard down in Operation Hammer. After Harbinger descended and blasted away the entire strike force, Shepard saw no trace of the Asari. No trace did mean no confirmation of KIA, there was a small reason to hope… She chose to imagine Liara had lived, and then felt the crushing sadness that she wouldn't see those blue eyes again.

"It feels like its been years since I just, sat down." The older man's head was rolling awkwardly to the side. Shepard didn't notice, as she was lost in her own, final thoughts.

"I think you earned the rest. Anderson?" The admiral only groaned in reply "Stay with me we're almost through this." She encouraged. It was a reflex, she didn't even believe her own words. There it was some small hope she might survive popping up again. The dizzying pressure pushed that out of her mind. She was a solider, she knew why she felt so crushingly tired, and what would happen when she finally gave into it. The slug in her side burned where her stomach should be. She resisted the urge to imagine what her surely splattered organs must look like. At least a gut wound killed slowly. There was one thing left to do. Funny she was shot in the same place as Anderson, funny she never felt it. She looked at her hand, stained in a sheen of red blood.

"You did good, I'm…proud of you." He said, his voice fading. There was no inhale.

"Thank you sir" She responded, only to see the still form beside her. She was too tired to cry, too wounded to even feel her own pain. "Anderson?" She received no reply. She hadn't expected one. She needed only to close her eyes, close them and just rest for a little while…. "I'm sorry Liara, I hope you are ok." She whispered.

"Shepard! Commander? " The squawk of her radio brought the insistent voice of Stephen Hackett. It broke her out of the gentle lull. A fresh surge of energy shot down her spine.

"What do you need me to do?" She started to roll to her feet. She could barely move, but her body felt light and clumsy, like she was controlling like a marionette.

"Nothings happening, is there something you need to do on your end?" The voice held thinly veiled terror crushed behind the cold façade of command.

"I'll just…take a, take a look." She walked back for that console, each step felt like running a marathon. She managed 3, and collapsed just a foot from the console. She summoned everything she had, crawling the few inches until she could reach its bulkhead with one arm. She hauled her form up, only to feel her blood soaked fingers slip. Her head hid the metal floor hard. She couldn't move. With what was doubtlessly her last breath she whispered, "Liara."

Shepard listened as the ghostly apparition of the child explained the final choice. "Synthesis." She could convert all life into a melding of organic and non-organic life. Her weary eyes flipped from the hologram to the green pillar of light. It was going to be her salvation. She took a step and faltered. Suddenly her feet seemed welded to the deck. Something felt wrong, a presence beckoned in the black of her mind. Like fists pounding on a stone wall it was screaming her to stop. She tried to force it back, the reapers were far too close. She must find salvation.

Seconds past, and the catalyst crossed its arms, annoyance seemed to radiate from the diabolic billions of years old AI. "Shepard, you must chose, your kind will not last long. You are their only hope of salvation." The child spoke, its voice a grating mockery of a real child's. Everything here was a mockery. She looked up at the fantastic emitter that was the Crucible connected to this chamber by a massive beam of buzzing energy. Arms each the size of a starship in their own right anchored what looked like a giant gun to the space station. Her vision blurred as the blackness fingered out into small tendrils at the edge of her vision. "You cannot return to them Commander, there are no other options. You. Must. Choose." It commanded in its flat, dead voice. She felt the pull of its voice. She must, came so far.

The woman, her redhair burned and streaked with blood, looked around. Her head pounded, it felt like she was clawing at her own mind just for the luxury of this small bit of hesitation. Her body burned, the wound at her side flowing wetly. Hell the child was right, if she waited long enough, she wouldn't be deciding everything. Again her vision dimmed, the color of the battle faded but the three platforms, the resonated in red blue and green. They resonated in color when blood lost drew the color from her sight.

"Fuck…Liara I can't, keep my promise." She cursed her voice trailing off into a whisper as a shudder ran though her wracked body.

The radio squawked again, It was Hackett, naked desperation in his voice. "Shepard! Hurry, make that thing fire. Its our own hope of salvation, the Fleets are being torn to shreds, we are dying out here."

It snapped into her mind again, a screaming voice, screaming. She struggled, fighting it, but it persisted clawing into her awareness. It was screaming, a mind tearing at her. She fought the voice back, the pressure urging her to stop. That was just what they wanted. Kate curled her face into a snarl as she resisted.

"Shepard!" came a familiar, breathy voice strained in agony. Kate's green eyes shot open wide as she spun around. The already pale woman, grew even more white at the sight.

"Liara!" She shouted, mouth falling open she regarded the staggering figure. The pretty Asari was a wreck. Her side bled deep purple, pouring from just below her ribs as the deep tear in her suit spoke an unthinkable wound. Her face was ashen grey from blood loss mirror Kate in her own way. She was bruised, with more purple blood trickling down into her eye from a indigo gash in her fringe that winked shut. She held a limp arm at her side and slowly staggered to Shepard. Kate gasped forgetting all her pain and hobbled to the asari as fast as she could. With a small cry the maiden stumbled and lened against Kate her knees giving out. The slid to the ground against each other.

"Kate, I heard everything. You must decide, you must chose and save us all. Please. Forget the promises, this is so much bigger than us." Tears formed in Liara's wide eyes as she fixed on Kate. She had a foot in death's door, her skin so very pale compared to her eyes. They glittered even in the light, brilliant cobalt. The redhead gave a strangled sob, trying to shut her eyes against what had come. She felt the pistol slowly start to slip from her hand. First Anderson, now she could hear Liara gasping her last breaths against her shoulder. Why, why couldn't it be somebody else? For just a moment she wanted to toss some other poor sod into that beam so she could have those blue babies.

"Kate, dearest, you are our salvation. Without you we face distruction, we need our vanguard…Join with them, join with them and save us." She said rising a trembling hand to Kate's cheek gently caressing.

Kate blinked. Her hand tightened around her pistol. She sat bolt upright. That. Fucking. Word. Why where they all calling her their salvation? The voice was screaming in her head, god what did it want? She sat back on her heels and looked back at the platform it was so few steps to each option and that bastard not-a-kid waited. She had to do was chose. Her mind was screaming. She would have screams but her body didn't have the energy. She looked back to Liara, the Asari was crying, her eyes pleading.

"I can't be with you much longer, do it Shepard, only you can."

"No." Kate said. The fog cleared from the windows. She saw the screaming voice, she saw herself trapped in an oily black cage, screaming. She was beating against the walls an a rage.

"What…you must, Kate you must, I…I need to you do it. Without it we will all die.. _I_ will die." She said dropping the emphasis on the word.

"No" Kate grunted and pulled her body back, away from the battered form of her lover.

Liara tried to hold her, urging her to stay with her her good hand scraping at the ruined armor trying, and failing, to fine purchase "No you must, I…"

Shepard narrowed her eyes and slowly lifted the pistol to the Asari's forehead. Her blue eyes went wide in stunned shock. It was the most painful expression Kate had ever seen, the look of primal fear, of horrified betrayal. Fresh tears drew light on the purple rims of her eyelids. "Shepard?" She spoke only the name in a dismayed whisper.

"No." Kate pulled the trigger, the report echoing through the chamber, echoing inside her mind. Time seemed to stop as Shepard watched the bolt spark on the floor behind her, flowing in what felt like full seconds later, the spray of purple blood. The shocked face of her lover hung forever in the air, the tense muscles slowly went slack. The blood formed into droplets, the heavy pistol jumping in her grip, shaking upwards in recoil and slowly Kate's muscles and tendons sprang it back down as Liara's corpse started to fall, her ruined head trailing the body its final rest.

Shepard already had her back turned long before the blue body gave a soft thump on the cold metal floor. She marched, gaining power with every step. She leveled the heavy pistol at the large electrical conduit. Shot after shot rang out as she walked closer. Its casing cracked, it sputtered fire and arcs of electricity blasting blue into the air. She savagely snarled, firing shot after shot after shot until white hot fire erupted around her.

When she opened her eyes, the room was no longer there. She was lying before the console, her eyes focused on the dead eyes of the Illusive Man, her face in the pool of black, dead blood that drained from his ruined head. She groaned and rolled over, looking for the other corpse. Anderson was gone. Was he ever there?

An engaged growl reverberated though the commander's mind at she at last forced out oppressive weight she never realized was there. Now SHE was screaming inside her head her true awareness marched with her one again. For the first time since she stepped on Earth's surface she could think clearly, a clarity she never even realized she had lost. She rolled onto her back and thrust her left hand before her face. It was dry. Only the glove of her ruined armor stared back at her no hint of blood. A rush of strength found the woman, coupled with a crippling rush of pain as the real sensation of her burned and broken body crashed into her awareness. She was burned, horribly burned, and smell only confirmed it. She pressed the button on her palm to activate her omni tool. Nothing. The orange holograms sputtered and flickered out. Leaving only polymer armor plates melted into Her arm. She pressed the radio, simple static and then that too died. Hackett never called.

She rolled to her knees with a strangled groan. It wasn't complete, she understood now. The almost had her, and she never knew. They couldn't be trusted no matter how they were converted. She hauled her broken form up over the console. They had some close to victory, to claiming Shepard herself as their own. The cipher embedded in her mind morphed the characters in a form she could read.

It was clear. The catalyst was there. She could configure the parameters of the energy burst. Red, green and blue, she could chose, but there wasn't time. If only she had a geth. She searched frantically though the systems, there must have been a profile. She saw a block, floating red ad it was highlighted by her query. She excluded it. She searched again, trying to set up a profile for human-made AI and VI. It wasn't EDI, but it matched a pattern, a very human mode of thought. Would it work? She had no way of knowing.  
>Would she doom an entire race, fry her own augments, ones that connected broken nerves, replaced lost organs? She couldn't know, god she fucking wished she had a scientist up her. She scanned over code, a decade old training on programming let her feel like she understood some of the commands, but she sighed. It might as well have been encrypted. Did EDI have backups? She sighed. The problem was, THEY couldn't be trusted. They couldn't survive.<p>

Unsteady hands moved on their own activating functions. She was just a spectator as her body already knew what to do. A few motions and soon the station, all however many billions of tons of it started to hum. It quickly built, growing louder and louder until it was a deafening roar. Bolts of electricity jumped though the conduits of the room, crackling as they turned air to plasma. Energy glowing around her Instinctively she took a few steps back.

Far below her, a brilliant light started to grow. It grew brighter and brighter until it outshone the sun itself. In a single instant, all reality seemed to stop. The room around her started to shake, panels breaking free and falling away. The station was tearing itself apart. She felt, rather than heard, the blast and then there was only darkness.


	2. 002 The Wounded Warrior

_Author notes: _

_First if you read chapter one some time ago I highly recommend you go back to re-read it. It's been completely changed from my first version 1 of the story. While I plan to take things in a similar direction, the pathway getting there is going to be different. _

_I know it took forever for this chapter to arrive, but for the couple people that took a chance on me, I hope its worth it. Thank you though, as it provided the motivation I needed to revive this project. I hope to update more often, despite having quite a busy real life. _

_I know I could definitely use a beta reader. I think they are normally called editors, but I guess that is the parlance around here. But I'm currently with my own devices so I apologize in advance for the many, many typos that have to be hidden among my text._

I'm keeping with the dark theme from chapter one here, but I hope you enjoy the chance to see Shepard as something other than a perfectly composed hero. So without further ado…

Chapter 2 The Wounded Warrior.

She couldn't recall just when she became aware. She was coming out of a void, just suddenly…there. She didn't know who she was, where she was, or why she was here, she was just awareness in the void. A soft repeating tone, high in pitch pierced the void. A familiar beeping, a cadence of closely monitored life. The sound of distant voices came though the darkness, then nothingness, only beeping

The voices returned.

"Doctor! Did you see that? I swear I just saw her left hand move!" A voice shouted excitedly.

"I wouldn't get you hopes up Nurse Hawthorne. The comatose often exhibit simple motor reflexes." The voice paused for a long time and continued dejectedly, "God knows I want to believe more than you." That voice was a woman, older, dignified with a precise accent. It was familiar.

The soft beating quickly picked up pulsing a frantic march. "Dr. Chakras I have elevated readings on the ECG. HR upto 120, hell its mild Tachycardia though blood oxygen is nominal." The voice paused the beeping growing more incessant The awareness struggled, groping in the darkness. That name, it was critically important! She wanted to scream, will her awareness to remember why the name was so damn important.

"I have pupil reaction, along with rapid eye moment." Fingers on eyelids felt like a sensation from another body. The darkness exploded into light that burned away everything in a white flame. She recoiled from it.

"EEG readings are spiking, we've got Alpha patterns." The nurse sounded overjoyed, her voice nearly breaking.

The older, voice responded, her tone serious edged with restraint, "Hawthorn prepare 120 cc of Lorazepam, I fear this won't be pretty," the last phrase was nearly muttered.

"Dear God, that does will kill her!" The nurse protested.

"No, not her, you should have seen her drink." The voice said with a half amused note.

The awareness grew, new sensory input flooded in as mists cleared. This awareness had a body, a body that felt pain. She had eyes, eyes that struggled to flutter open. There was only white, white that burned and provoked protest. She tried to recoil again, bringing up hands to cover her eyes. Reality failed to meet expectations and uncoordinated arms flopped uselessly. Knuckles crashes into metal with a loud bang, bringing fresh pain. Growing terror edged in like a sickly murmur drawing everything tight. Her lungs tried to draw in air, barely moving a tube blocking her throat. Terror surged forward, a conditioned response drug up from reptilian depths in her brain. It sent her limbic system into overdrive starting a riot of panic though her mind. She tried harder, chest heaving, back arching as limbs flailed impacting bed frames with dull thuds. A crash and clatter announced many small metal somethings clattering on a hard floor.

She tried to scream, horse grunts escaping as wide eyes rolled in terror. Something was blocking her throat, shoved down her mouth. She was suffocating as burned in memories replayed in fast foward. The seals of her hard suit were broken. A gentle hiss whispered the deepest fear every spacer could imagine. Her limb flailed uselessly trying find purchase against nothing. Memories of the dying ship fragmenting in space, small life pods streaming away. Air pulled from desperate lungs, saliva boiling off her tongue.

"Hawthrone restrain her!" The older woman shouted quickly. "She isn't fully awake and panicking. I need a team in her NOW!" The unmistakable voice of the Dr. Chakwas rang though the room. She wanted to reach out in the direction of the voice. A hand found her own and forced it back down. A sharp pain her arm, and warm lethargy radiating from it.

A great commotion of people flooded in, the sound of so many feet clamoring shapes pressed into the white out that was her awareness. It was the opposite of darkness, it burned away the world, eyes still unable to see. Only blurry masses of color resolved out of terror stricken white. She struggled, gurgling, her veins burned with adrenaline, her mind screaming in pure, primal fear. Many hands gripped her arms, wrists, knees, even on her hips and they forced her down into the bed. Despite her fury, she couldn't do a thing against so many hands. She was aware of the feeling of a partly healed wound ripping, the wetness of fresh blood.

More panic, she tired to scream, the tube blocking any attempt to make noise. She was writhing. She had legs, she tried to kick them. More hands descended there as a numb fire flooded her veins. "Shepard, you are safe, just calm down." The voice came to her speaking her name. It was drawn in stress, quickly crying out "She isn't responding I need another 100cc!"

Kate Shepard, it was her name! With the revelation came chemical sleep, oppressive darkness closing in on her even as she tried to scream her name.

The darkness gave ground slowly, a melting veil before an insistent awareness. It receded gently, like the ebbs of night to the dawn. A soft beep pulsed its hypnotic cadence. A heavy blanket gently pressed her body like a feathery shield. Green eyes fluttered open to a new flash of white pain, forcing a horse groan from chapped lips. The white out slowly faded into colors, shapes, areas of light and dark. She was in an off-white room, a massive crack in the ceiling. One of the windows had plastic wrap in place of glass, the other blissfully unmarred. The room smelled that familiar clinical stench, the palpable flavor of scrubbed air, old disinfectant, and stalking death.

The groan drew attention. Her emerald green eyes slowly fixed on blue movement. It resolved into a delightful face, glittering sapphire eyes staring with anxious wonder. Cobalt lips parted as the figure gave a happy gasp. Warm, sinfully soft hands were cupping Kate's own. She connected a name to that face, a name comprised of everything that was good in the galaxy.

"Liara…" Kate said her wheezy voice barely escaping her raw lips. She couldn't help but smile. It hurt to smile, but even pain couldn't keep the expression away. She couldn't imagine a more wonderful sight.

"The doctor said you might wake up. Oh Goddess…you…you…" Those sapphires shimmered as tears built. They rimmed her lower lids, one falling free to splash on Kate's cheek. She rubbed it away with a blue thumb. The redhead gave a soft sigh eyes slowly closing. A grimace snapped over her face and she remembered. Gun to the head of that same face, pleading her to chose a path of ruination. It had just been an illusion Her hand turned over squeezing the blue one, snapping free a plastic finger clip, the small red light casting black on the other hand's blue skin. She gripped it as hard as she could, terrified somehow that warm palm would disappear.

"I…I am alive? Because heaven can't have this much pain can it?" She whispered. The pretty face smiled, the stretching of skin tripping a precariously perched tear. It trailed down blue cheeks.

"Yes Shepard, Chakwas alerted me yesterday, I haven't left your side. Apparently your first attempt at waking up was a little…rough. I feared it was because I hadn't been there to anchor you. I haven't left your side since."  
>The redhead smiled, unaware of her partly shaved head, a shattered coif the remnants of her coppery hair, making her appeared all the more haggard. The clippered areas of her scalp bore fresh surgical scars. With a grunt she started to sit up, ignoring the protests of her body. She forced weak arms to push her up, then tried to shift her weight with her left foot. Her knee bent, curling into the bed and confused green eyes glanced down. What they discovered made her freeze in shock any goal completely forgotten.<p>

Shepard managed a full sit up with a grunt, and tore the blanket off with her free hand. Her legs descended out of the hem of her white gown, the right bearing fresh scars on lightly freckled skin, but the muscled calf swooped down into a slender ankle and foot. The left, it ended awkwardly just below the knee the familiar curves simply gone. Words died on her tongue as she forgot how to breathe. She looked back to find blue eyes watching with her sympathy. "Liara?" She asked her voice edged with fear.  
>The asari's lip trembled and her voice wavered far more than she wanted. "Shepard, they found you pinned in rubble after nearly 2 days. They said compartment syndrome had set in…I wish they could have done something different. They had to do….it on the spot otherwise if the clotted blood made it to your heart.. If only we had a proper cloning, or some of Miranda's data… we could have, I could have-"<p>

Shepard registered the pain in Liara's face, it bit her deeply enough to completely forget about her own. She pulled on her cool mask of command, eager to soothe the asari. "No Liara, I.. I don't blame you" Kate said her voice sounding much weaker than she had hoped. "I knew it would come with a price. But, I have you _mon amour. _ I think I'll find a way to deal with it. It will be ok." She forced a smiled on her face feeling the scarred skin pull in new ways.  
>The black marks that looked so very much like eyebrows on Liara's face rose as she regarded the sad smile, forced for her own benefit. Her hand left the one on the bed, rising to cup the bandaged cheek. Fresh tears stained her cheeks. It was her turn to force on a smile, to slip on a mask for her lover's benefit. "Shepard, you are with me, nothing else matters. There are no more battles, no more horrors, just the two of us… <em>Mon Amour<em>. Having the cheesy little bit of French tossed back at her brought a fresh smile the human's freckled face. Her eyes brightened as she looked from the blue eyes back down.  
>"You don't suppose the new leg will have a rocker launcher built in do you?" She quipped mirth edging her voice. She looked back to Liara<p>

The Asari stared at Shepard with her mouth held half open. She snapped it shut. "Goddess, I'm going to seriously limit how much time you spend around Krogan Shepard." Liara's voice sounded beautiful as she struggled to hold back a laugh.

Kate felt cold in the white room, and the parallel metal bars in front of her were not helping in the least. As she watched a dark haired man make a few painfully awkward steps on his mangled legs, each strapped tightly into a pair of motorized braces. They contrasted sharply with his powerfully built arms. Yet another wounded Marine hobbling though recover. Seeing her wounded-in-arms did little to cheer Shepard's foul mood. It was a dark mood that had spent some time building. She wished Liara was here. She shifted in the wheelchair, the uncomfortable seat and everything it represented wasn't helping.

She had upgraded to blue hospital scrubs, even a set of real underwear in the week that passed. Most of the bandages were gone, pink, itchy new skin in their place. She fingered the patch still stuck to her cheek. Graft or no she could feel the skin pulling tight in a telltale signs of a forming scar. _Damnit Garrus already accused of me of trying to outdo him. We're a fucking matched set now.._ She offered a dark smile to the empty air as she thought of the equally scared turian and his bedside visit two days ago. The joy of seeing her best friend had disappeared when she envied his ability to simply walk out of the door.

She had discovered it had been two months since the Reapers fell dead, the relays with them. The geth appeared offline, and EDI core was just as quiet. Techs were pouring over a last minute hard drive ghost she preformed minutes before the Crucible fired. Just the week before she woke up, the Normandy had dropped out of FTL, running on fumes and starvation rations. Apparently they had taken the hard way back from their emergency jump having spent a month and half in FTL.

She watched the man stumble, orderlies taking quick steps to grab his shoulders and pick him back up. Assists he waved off with a frustrated grunt. Kate tore her eyes from the all too foreshadowing scene to look down to her leg. She hoisted up the cuff of her leg pant leg the material a terrible cyan. There her new addition met her with horrible gleaming plastic and alloy. A thick block of slivery artificial muscles massed where her calf muscle used to be. A thin shaft snaked down, a freakishly organic shape to break into a sharp, mechanical network of hinges and bolts that formed the ankle joint. Carbon fiber filaments stood in for tendons connecting the ridged slivery mass of fake muscle to the metal foot, vaguely shaped like the real thing. She stamped her metallic foot on the ground feeling the impact transfer to where the mounting stud was buried in the remnant of her. A coupling and series of screws attached the whole affair masking where stud that emerged though the skin of her stump. Near the stud a small water-tight port interfaced the electronics of the prosthetic to her nerves.

The whole horrid affair was a nasty side effect of being resurrected. Miranda had to alter Shepard's DNA so much to get her own Lazarus implants to interface it made cloning impossible. She had overhead two doctors debating is she was genetically still human. She frowned and dropped the pant leg, the fabric of her patient scrubs catching on the mechanicals forcing the woman tug it bend over and tug it back down. She was going to get her synth-skin outer soon, complete with a tactile sensor array. They promised it would make it feel more like the real thing and less like a glorified peg. Her stomach turned as she found herself looking forward to the upgrade. She realized she was clenching her jaw to avoid screaming and forced herself to relax.  
>Her miserable brooding was interrupted by a pretty brunette nurse her skin a deep bronze a London proper accent to her voice. She was positively too chipper. <em>Damnit I need to stop thinking in British, I'm a spacer for bloody sake…oh fuck me…<em> She forced a smile and looked up actually bothering to pay attention what the woman was saying

"-means moving around. Its your turn to have a go with the new leg. Come on I'll help you up" She said offering a tired smile and a delicate looking hand.

Kate grunted and put her hands to her knees. She looked from the hand to the woman and grimaced as she forced herself to her feet. The ginger commander was too damn proud to take the easy way out. She found her footing, but it only lasted a moment. She faltered and the smaller woman rushed to prop the well built redhead up. Kate bodily pushed her away with a grunt and struggled, staggering a few steps ignoring the almost hurt look on the kinesiologist's face. Shepard's teeth grit with determination, the muscles of her clenched jaw standing out on her uncovered right cheek. Her determination lasted one step towards the waist-high parallel bars before her artificial ankle wobbled dropping any support out from under her. It was all too quick for any body could react. She brought out her hands, catching the rails, but arms weakened from months of bedrest failed to perform and her elbows buckled. As she continued her inglorious decent, white hot pain lit up as her chin impacted the bar with a resounding thud. Gravity deposited the fierce, wounded Commander into decrepit heap, face down on the padded floor the small of rubber and sweat assaulting her nostrils.

She rolled to her side, curling into a ball, hiding her face in her knees. She couldn't let them see the pitiful expression on her face or the tears of frustration that threatened to escape her tightly clenched eyes. She felt hands on her shoulders. In that moment a week of 1000 cuts collapsed the damn. The flood was catastrophic.

"Don't fucking touch me!" She screamed, her voice sounding far more broken and shrill than she wanted. She draw shallow, ragged breaths anything to keep the fountainhead of pitiful sobbing at bay_. I can't let them see me like this. I'm a bloody fucking cripple! The great Shepard a wheelchair jockey. _

New hands took hold of her, starting to drag her up. She growled as she squirmed away from them on the floor. She was making a scene, she didn't care. Every eye in the room turned to stare, she was vaguely aware of them. Soon the hands were starting to hold her down the form of a large man in white materializing over her. It wasn't hard to wrap her good leg around, sweep the man's feet while her own hand twisted his away. The Orderly crashed to the ground just as ingloriously as Shepard and she was already rolling away as a 2nd came over. Somewhere in her mind she knew she was being puerile, hell even childish. But she didn't care. She wasn't a helpless little cripple and she proved it as she spiraled up into a kneel and sent the other orderly launching over her back as the man tried to tackle her. She righted herself on her knees and cried out horsely. "I'm not a cripple, I'm commander fucking Shepard and you should be afraid of me!" A needle stung its way into her arm, wielded by a familiar bronzed hand that just as quickly retreated before angry fists could find retaliation. She tried to lash out with a snarl tearing from her lips, but the quick acting sedative was already leaving her numb. It was fast acting, and in a few seconds a complete lack of coordination sent the redhead over backwards in heap. The darkness descended on her as she fought to stay awake twitching.

Awareness again returned slowly . This time it came with a headache. When she reached up to press a hand to her pounding head and reset her aching jaw she heard a clink and the feeling of a soft cuff on her wrist. She tried the other only to find it just as restrained. The sound drew the attention of a familiar blue shape. Liara leaned over and fixed the bleary eyed Shepard with a worried gaze.

"You are awake." She said flatly, but her eyes could never hide her feelings. She was unhappy. She radiated displeasure all of it aimed at the redhead in the bed.

"I guess I did something special didn't I Mon Charie?" Shepard said, offering a lopsided grin. She tugged on the cuffs if they were some kind of excuse.

Liara was not look amused. "Shepard," She started pinching the bridge of her nose. "You assaulted the physical therapy team and had to be sedated. I just spent the last five hours trying to convince the Alliance lead doctor that you do not need to be locked in the psychiatric ward. As it is you are going to be talking to a councilor later today. Seriously, what in the Goddess were you thinking? Do we need to do a scan for brain damage?" She said her voice rising as she talked, frustration and worry melded into the anger pouring from her lips.

Kate sighed, let her arms fall to her sides and looked at Liara with firmly closed mouth. A thousand thoughts formed into words and died on her tongue before she could part her lips. She looked away, fixating on a crack in the wall in shame. _Fucking hospital, I hate hospitals, doctors and monkey fucking wheelchairs!._ She thought darkly trying to distract herself from the real reason for her feelings. Her own fear. She finally answered in a small voice finally voicing the forbidden to her only save place in the universe. "No…at least I think I'm not crazy. I'm. I…I couldn't let them see me as something wretched. I guess I freaked had to prove I wasn't wretched. Shit, I'm sorry, it must sound pathetic." She started her throat choking as she started to speak, unable to say it as is it might make her situation as an amputee real. _I'm not going to cry like some silly girl before her, I'm supposed to be the strong one. Come on Shepard, just like parade rest at boot. _ She chided in her mind.

A soft hand found her shoulder rubbing gently. That one touch speared through her layers like an orbital drop bunker buster. Shepard cursed the Asari's abundant empathy and wizened, astute mind that pieced together all the clues. The human almost missed the clueless young archeologist she had met 3 years ago; she wasn't so damn intuitive. She would have blundered her way thought this, leaving Kate safe to retreat inside her own brooding.

But It didn't help the current Liara knew all too well the maps to Shepard's mind, courtesy of many meldings. She knew where the human's thoughts were headed and interrupted them. Shepard cursed silently as the tears she had been hiding found their way out of the corners of her eyes in small traitorous droplets.

"Kate I…I'll be here for you. We're alive, you beat the reapers, and you have nothing left to prove to anybody. I believe you can do this, I believe in the woman who saved me from Saren so many years ago, the what do you call…oh yes Knight in sparkling plate armor, isn't going to let a prosthetic beat her. I read the specs, once you get used it should perform over 115% as well as your original. It had a 95% approval rating among veterans outfitted with the 0989C series. It mean its astonishing how it has perfect integration with the nervous system when you really think about it." Liara smiled warmly, catching Shepard's eyes as the woman turned back to look at her. The redhead returned a weak smile as a blue thumb wiped a small trail of moisture from her cheek.

Shepard let out a long breath she didn't know she had been holding and stared at her love. _She really does have a way with talking scientific. _Kate thought to herself as she let the moment stretch, their eyes locked together. _. _Just listening to the woman spoke lightened Shepard's heavy heart, pulling her free of the dark void inside. "Thank you Liara, I'd hug you if I could." Kate said letting her trademark lopsided grin smirk across her face.

Liara studied the cuffs on Kate's wrists for a moment and her sapphire eyes met emerald greens with a wicked looking smile. She looked ready to stay something, raising a hand to nearly touch them only to thrust the hand back into her lap. Shepard rose a brow watching her lover start to speak and stop, looking to the door quickly as if trying to make up her mind about some unknown thought. When she looked back. her eyes were set with determination. "You know I just had an epiphany Katilyn. And I think you might be quite amused by the potential ramifications."

Ok now Kate was curious. She pursed her lips gently and studied her lover's sudden playful grin. "What is that?" She asked cautiously. "Because your last great idea failed horribly if I recall." She said unable to hold back the growing grin despite the still well trails on her cheeks.

Lira thought for a moment her expression going thoughtful as she sat in the chair again rubbing her hands together in her lap. She took a deep breath as if to steel herself. "Well aside from a new bruise, you are nearly completely healed. So despite adapting to your leg, you are otherwise completely functional. And thanks to your recent…outburst you are now quite securely restrained to this bed. I'm sure not even a woman of your considerable strength can best steel and polymer mesh…. Which means…" She trailed off and deftly climbed into the bed and straddled Shepard hips. "You can't do a thing to stop me from showing you how much I love you, can you?" She asked her pretty blue eyes gleeming predatory. Kate's own widened at the realization. It was her turn to glance at the door with worry. _Surely she doesn't want to. We are in a hospital what if the doctor? Oh God save me…wait…no don't save me at all. Forget doctors, they could use something to shake them up. _Kate thoughts took a turn as she realized how much she missed her darling doctor, she snapped her eyes back to that lovely blue face. The look of longing on her lover's face alone sent a shudder of desire though Kate.

Dr. Liara T'Soni firmly grasped Kate's face with both hands leaving the Commander with no choice but to accept the kiss planted on her lips with fervent hunger. As their lips gently pressed and parted against each other, the tips of the doctor's fingers pressed into the human's face holding her all the more possessively. The chains of Kate's cuffs rattled as the asari seemed to steal her very breath, her insistent ardor smashing any lucidity from the redhead's mind. In seconds, she was kissing back, their tongues entwining. She felt her lover seem to flow over her body, gently rolling her hips between the redhead's thighs causing her gown to ride up and expose alabaster skin, hands never leaving freckled cheeks. Kate felt fresh surges of need race though her body, amplified by every failed attempt to free her hands. Somewhere inside a small voice rebelled at the sheer taboo of the whole situation. Kate crushed that voice as Liara planted another kiss on her helpless lips.

When they finally broke Kate was left gasping, lips parted as she stared up. Liara's eyes sparkled with mischief as she teased small brushes of her cobalt lips over Kate's pink ones. Blue eyes stared to into dilated green. Liara managed a giggle when the captive redhead trying to lean up to capture another kiss only to find nothing but the Asari's warm breath. She gave a moan of frustration and struggled against the cuffs to no avail. Liara grinned again. As the Asari watched her quarry struggle it occurred to her just how powerless her love was for one. Her grin grew horribly wicked as she slid down her lover's body, hands finding one of the unused leg restraints near the commander's knees. Kate shuddered as she felt the Asari's belly grind against her more sensitive areas through the all too thin fabric of the medical gown. She whimpered when she felt hands pushes her knee aside, deftly wrapping the restraint around it, repeating the process quickly with other. What shocked the woman was how much her predicament turned her on.

Lira smiled as she climbed back up, nearly gasped as she saw the parted lips, the low eyelids, and the dilated pupils of her lover. Her father was all too correct. If it was completely civilized, she defiantly wasn't doing it right.

So that turned out quite a bit more mixed bag of feelings that I had hoped for. But I hoped you enjoyed it. I'm working off the cuff at the moment so I was rather surprised when I found Liara turning seductive at the end, but how could I blame her, she has only had a chance to really enjoy her commander a handful of times and nearly lost her forever twice now. No wonder she wants to make sure Kate isn't going anywhere.

Please let me know what you think. Give me glorious praise (which I'm sure I hardly deserve given how wonderful the quality of fics are around here) or bring the hottest flames. I by no means fancy myself a writer, but I hope it was as much fun to read as it was for me to write and knowing people actually want to hear more does drive me onwards.


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